i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
