that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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