I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I wish you could order shots online.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
