I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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