I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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