his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
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