I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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