someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
