I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Sober January is a disaster.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
