Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
