My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
