buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
