Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
