I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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