I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
