I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Walk of Shame today included voting.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
