and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
