in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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