I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
