Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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