i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
