Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
