I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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