how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
