I'm so fucking centered right now
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize