If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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