I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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