I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I puked a lego.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
