You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
he puts the penis in happiness.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Randomize
