I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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