I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
