so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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