the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
