The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
