Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
