he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
