So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
