I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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