you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
being pregnant is like rehab
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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