words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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