On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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