And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
