fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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