News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
