I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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