I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
