When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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