You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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