yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
