Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
