I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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