Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize