I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
