there's paper in my vomit.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
