I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You left your underwear on the fireplace
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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