I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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