Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
